Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Last Night on Earth

i text a postcard sent to you did it go through...

We are in the car, the three of us, him and her and me, after another fruitless day of "work," which consists of handing out advertisements for some wannabe Facebook, but hey, it pays. Having been exposed to full sunlight two days now, I am secluded by my agony. I feel like the surface of the sun. I look as if I've been in a chemical fire. He and she only tan.

you are the moonlight of my life every night...

He is singing along to Green Day. They chat casually, flirtatiously. Everything is familiar. I roll down the window, lean back, close my eyes. Bursts of light are orange from behind my eyelids. Orange. Black. Orange. Black. The rushing air feels better than I thought possible on my burning skin.

my beating heart belongs to you...

He says something to me. I answer absentmindedly, barely aware I am moving my lips.

i walked for miles till i found you...

I open my eyes. The back of his neck is just a little pink. Hardly noticeable.

i'm here to honour you...

She has said something. I have turned the volume on the world down. He reaches over to take her hand.

if i lose everything in the fire i'm sending all my love to you...

They smile at each other fondly, briefly, as lovers do. It's the little things. That is sweet, I think.

That is sweet? I think. What is happening?

Could it be that I really meant what I said? Could it be I really want more than anything for him to be happy? After all that I've been through, all that I put myself through, could it be this simple?

My heart aches no less. The longing and sadness are not diminished. This is not about me.

After all, it turns out I have a modicum of goodness left.

if i lose everything in the fire did i ever make it through?