Sunday, May 10, 2009

On Zombie Invasions, part 2

In a war, nine times out of ten, zombies will overpower the living in terms of sheer force, much as it is in a struggle between a man and a woman - nine times out of ten, the man will overpower the woman physically (even though she be a warrior), and so the key to female victory is superior skill. The fact is that zombies have the upper hand.

What is the only thing that zombies desire?


And why do zombies want, nay need, brains?

Because they haven't got any.

This proves greatly to their advantage. They've got the advantage of numbers, for they convert our fallen to their ranks, so that as the living weaken, the undead army grows stronger, the barrage of vile masses never ending. They never tire, never weaken, never falter in their attack, for their unquenchable thirst for brains drives them ever onward. Whereas the living have needs (other than brains, though these also are necessary), the undead have none.

They do not know the meaning of 'fear.' They do not know the meaning of any word, save 'brains.'

They are not soldiers. They are machines - weapons of mass consumption.

So it follows that it is not a simple matter of training in the art of combat. What we desperately need, faced with zombie invasion, are tactics“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not your enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle” (Sun Tzu, The Art of War). What we need is an Ender to defeat those who refused to accept the end. To not merely defend ourselves, but to completely eliminate the zombies, wipe out every last one of them, so that they may never threaten our peace again, we must know the enemy, and use this knowledge.

What we know of the enemy is this: that they hunger, lust, for brains, and nothing else; and that this lust arises from their deficiency.

The zombies lack of brains is their greatest advantage, but it is also their greatest weakness. This is where we, as living, breathing, thinking creatures, must recognise, and seize, our opportunity! What use are all our weapons, our training, our experience, if we do not use them intelligently? We cannot hope to overpower them by numbers or brute strength. We must outwit them.

Why, a zombie may be more easily defeated by, instead of grappling futilely, gesturing to some point behind your enemy with a cry of, "Look over there! Brains!" The zombie will turn (every time - they are not learning machines), and from there the matter of dismembering is simple.

Unfortunately, once again I must interrupt myself. An engagement demands my attention, though I am loathe to leave for a moment the imperative subject I have been discussing. I beg of you, friends, do not allow your mind to dismiss this matter in favour of more agreeable contemplations. They are perhaps unpleasant thoughts (personally, I find them to be invigorating), but necessary if one wishes to retain one's brains. I shall again visit this subject tomorrow with renewed vigour!