Saturday, May 9, 2009

On Zombie Invasions, part 1

Let us consider, friends, the teachings of zombie warfare: whacking, hacking, piercing, chopping, slicing, dicing, blowing away, etc. - all manner of slaughtering techniques one may employ by use of a knife, shotgun, longbow, axe, chainsaw - whatever sort of weapon you favour in defending yourself and loved ones from the living dead. The extermination of zombies is a simple matter if one is experienced in the deadly arts and the zombies are not too great in number. Sources are clear that one has merely to get them into bits small enough to no longer be a threat (the undead having no functioning organs, nor flowing blood - the destruction, or spilling, of which would otherwise be the most expedient means of discouraging their approach). But it is not the unmeditated destruction of a few undead by an individual which I propose to discuss. I wish to attack the issue of zombie invasion on a grander scale.

It is the possibility of a bona-fide zombie horde in a populous area that poses a real threat to society. I am speaking, fair citizens, of at least a few hundred undead, of a situation in which the danger is that they simply keep coming on, until our valiant living cannot hold up their weapons any longer. Then we will run and hide, disorganised in our exhaustion, scattering, wanting only to close our eyes for a few hours and regain our strength. And then, when we have put ourselves at the disadvantage, the horde will pick us off one by one!

But heavens, I am so unutterably tired that I fear this entry will quickly dissolve into meaningless meanderings, and you will get so little sense from me that upon next encountering a zombie you may attempt to bludgeon it with a codfish! So, I shall wish you a goodnight for now. I give you my word as a lady and a warrior that I shall quite thoroughly enlighten you on the morrow. Go in peace, friends, but be always on your guard! Constant vigilance!